Why does this need to be available publicly?
I was listening to a podcast and I had the same thought. Mostly because the podcaster had said something along the lines of:
“It means a lot to me when people come up and say they love the show, because it’s important to me. I’ve been thinking about doing this for a long time and it means a lot that people like what I’m saying when I’m talking.”
It’s hard to disagree with that sentiment. I’ve written for several years now in to a journal, to myself. About God — about my obsessions — about the problems I try to navigate on my own. I try to talk to dead relatives. Try to coach myself to be better. About love about pursuits.
It started to get cyclical. I got bored of myself.
FRANK introduced me to a ton of ARG and weirdo content online. Absorbing some of that for the past 4-5 years had an impact. I love how blank and hidden this page is. I love that people don’t want to read un polished material.
On instagram, I was writing these long captions thinking I had trapped somebody into reading them. Maybe I was — I know some people read them. Those are who should matter. Something makes me need to have an audience. Even if it’s subscriberless and without interaction. Just knowing I’m defacing a wall on a server somewhere has inspired me to MOVE.
I might even get quieter. It’s impossible and unnecessary; I am sociable and love to speak and hold court. But it’s better to make space.
I literally went out of my way to re-learn WP, spend money, and figure out font choices. A new way to fill space. I don’t care, I like where this is going and how it makes me feel.
It started to get cyclical. I guess, over the span of The Entire Time, I’m not cyclical. I have done a lot of changing. Through honest conversation, and our god-granted podcast climate, I have the confirmation that everyone is also hypercritical. Self-help and mental-health are chic. You and I have probably chewed on this concept in our worlds. Maybe even together; I don’t think for one-second that this “alter-ego” is veiled.
In fact, I’m low-key playing a game of leaning into anonymity and “giving up” and making just to make things, knowing full well that this is the way you figure it out. I’ve jinxed us for sure — solidifying some paradoxical peace I don’t want. I want somebody to read this.
Some say it’s joyless to get where you hoped for.
So I want somebody to read this.
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Lou is a demon and an angel.
Lou swept in with advice I could hear, love I was prepared to receive, and guidance I was willing to follow.
I’m not Lou, but I have been and hope to be.
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Often wordy and trying too hard. I’m coming at you opposite, which is much more like Lou. I’ll find a more obvious success once I just be whatever I currently am.
pseudo lou.