My drug addiction counselor, Counselor 6014, in Rehab pointed to the sun and said: “If that’s not God, then what is it?”
I said, “I guess I am open to the point you’re making.”
He said, “No, seriously. How can that be so perfect?”
I said, “Obviously, it is fortunate that it’s right there. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be right here.”
He said, “Yes it is. How amazing.”
———
Later on, in Rehab — I saw an Eagle. Where I’m from, there aren’t really eagles. There are perhaps no eagles. Much later in the future, I would see an eagle in the zoo where I live. I would see two eagles at the same time, actually. Not one of those creatures took any sort of flight.
So: I’m on my third cup of coffee no later than 7 AM, looking up at the vast wingspan at work thinking to myself: OK. That is obviously pretty Godly.
Sitting in the circle with a bunch of fellow degenerates from the Great North, I share the fantastic news: I had seen an Eagle.
“There are tons of eagles here, man.”
“You’re fuckin’ high.”
“We still shoot ‘em here.”
———
Counselor 6014 handed me a packet of long-form questions. They were to guide my reflection on the thinking that got me here. It is beautiful here — and quiet. They left us our phones since the Pandemic —well I’m not sure what it had to do with anything. But I’d still receive calls from my pals. They were obviously lit; wanted me to know they were holding it down and they missed me. And they had my chain from one night.
I tried to find the questions verbatim, but the drawer I left them in some years ago stuck. I’m not 100% sure they’re even in there, so: fuck it.
They went along these lines:
Write some thoughts about your average day in the industry.
When did you start to use chemicals? Why do you think you started?
If you had to add it up, how much do you think you spent on chemicals per day? How many days a week would you average spending using that amount? Now, total that amount to figure out how much you’d spend in a year?
Describe what brings you here.
———
A myriad of ballads written in my characteristic prose. Tried to tell them by hand, but I couldn’t pinch the font size well enough. I switched to a word processor to better fill my sails.
Counselor 6014 met with me days later. Long enough for me to be annoyed, imagining which part he would comment on. Grade me! Instead, Counselor 6014 asked me if I’d heard of the band, Switchfoot, and played a song. It wasn’t the good one.
“It’s good, I like this.” I would resume rigorous honesty tomorrow.
“These guys are also on a cleaner path,” said Counselor 6014. “Rockstars with God in the message.”
“They’re Christian Rock — that’s right.”
“They are. Do you have any experience with Christianity?”
“No. I was raised agnostic, fortunately.” A practiced reflection pause. “We went to church when people were married or dead.”
Counselor 6014 kept his corners neutral & I had a memory.
“Actually… I went to one of those Wal-Mart style churches. The ones that are obviously not about religion. I was young, but not so young that I didn’t realize the peculiarity.
“I had begun playing guitar, and this kid, Miles, was an amazing musician in our class. The best guitar player, and could sing as well. He invited me to a show.
“The show was at the Church?” 6014 clarified.
“Yes. But that’s not how the information was handed to me,” I relive it any time I’ve told it. I haven’t played this number in a while: “I obviously thought it was a show. I wouldn’t go into that place otherwise, it’s like they build tanks — we were all agitated by that place.”
“Who was?” asked Counselor 6014.
“Me!” I had the old inertia back reliving this one, “That’s not a legitimate why to practice faith. Why would it be so massive? Why is the parking lot enough for a football game. That’s so crazy to me. Still!”
“Perhaps the point is to draw in a younger audience. Shouldn’t they try to share their faith with others?”
“Share, sure. But force? Manifest Destiny our neighborhood?” I wonder if he knows I’ve built this position on hearsay via well-spoken, well-opinioned pals that do cocaine with me. It will take me further years to realize I’ve manifest destiny’d every neighborhood I’ve entered.
“If you’re open to their format, it must be a wonderful resource for music, and dancing, and community. Lou, you are literally within the walls of a multi-million, maybe -billion facility, depending on how you look at it. If you find a God here, you’ll be finding it identically to the way the Tank Factory Folks.”
6014 takes a breath to register my response. I fix my alert face back to indifferent. He says, “Not everyone has to be on their knees to get their faith either.”
I clear my throat a little and reposition. “That’s fair. I’m not saying I’m special or better.” I thought and said, “ —or Godless.”
“So where do you stand on God as you define it?”
“I was given the advice to not worry about it coming here.” That was true. I was told to ignore it actually.
“Probably good advice.” Counselor 6014 adjusted to the datapad. “You sent me quite a bit of material.
This was the part I was here for. Fuck that old story, these are my real ones.
I was remembering some of what I wrote. There was enough pause for me to remember my chemical expenses.
“21K for one year was insane — I don’t think I embellished anything either!” ‘
“You say obviously too much.”
“What?”
“Yeah, you say obviously all the time — look at all these,” Counselor tipped over his pad to flip the image. There were bright red markings near every instance of obviously. A lot of bright red.
“I guess I was writing stream of conscious. Probably should’ve went through and edited — I just kinda like to go with it.” I was not being rigorously honest today. That lie won’t count against me. Since I was on the computer, I had all the power to wrote the thing over and over again. Didn’t seem to mess with the flow of things. Obviously. Why does it even matter? What a weird take-away.
“How do you think everything that goes on with you is obvious?” Counselor bringing back to now.
“I don’t.”
“But, then, it’s not obvious,” he cross examined. “You ought to try to correct that.”
“It’s a turn of phrase, or like, uh, or like, or a stutter… who cares?”
“It’s similar to that: Who cares?” Counselor is fixated, gently. “Obviously. Things that are obvious are just that. It’s more like Literally, I suppose. People say literally all the time. Usually they use it more in the paradox that it’s not literally happening.”
What are we doing here?
I say, “Yeah. For sure. I just didn’t think about it. I write how I talk and that’s always been good.”
“Always?”
For fuck’s sake. “Yes always, but not in the ‘obviously’ or ‘literally way.’” Fuck this guy!
“It’s a thing we can fall into. Speaking in assumptions, thinking that people are aware of your situation. You fancy yourself a writer and write how you speak. Has literally no one, ever, had a mark of criticism or rejected your work?”
“OK Counselor, Obvi —” I am flustered. “Not obviously. Of course, I haven’t pleased everyone with the work! But that was work! Did you not want to hear about my addictions that got me here?!”
“You’ve steamrolled the real reasons you’re here with ‘obviously.’ What you’re hopefully going to learn in recovery is everything you believe to be so obvious.”
———
I let some silence occur. I’m less shameful than I am let down by the complete absence of the audience I had promised myself. Promised without any foundational evidence. I am the problem. I figured I would also be the Great Performer on stage, twirling a multidimensional act immersed in every medium. Being diagnosed on all sides, rocketing growth is judged until judgment is exchanged for cheer. I was obviously mistaken!
———
“Everything that you’ve given here, I haven’t read all of.” Counselor 6014 resumes us.
“Gotcha.”
“But I do believe this has helped you to reflect and consider what you’ve been through, and what you can look forward to the further you work on yourself. This is one of many beginnings we’ll have together.
“Is there anything else you’d like to talk about before we end our day?”
“Don’t you wanna know what happened at the Church?” I hate not finishing my stories.
Counselor 6014 nodded, returning his attention to me — like he does all day with all kinds of addicts.
“Miles’ Mom lets us out the car, and we enter the massive space with all the pews—”
“—The sanctuary,” Counselor 6014, endless with patience.
“Right, but it’s massive. We find seats and Miles leans over saying, ‘They’re going to talk for a bit, then the music starts. It’s gonna be awesome, you’ll love it.’
“The sermon was like a real sermon. To a kid, that is much longer, I know. But imagine it was ten minutes after being told you’re going to a rock show. I read through the whole “Join Church Camp“ pamphlet thing they handed us at the door.”
Counselor’s jacket was on. I was still seated, feeling my face get warm.
“Alright, sorry. The point is, when the band finally got on, they played one song for like,
twenty minutes. All it was, was a hook. They had the words projected on all the screens hanging down off the walls. Everybody just sang over and over the same shit. Brainwishywashy!
“Honestly, 6014, it coulda been thirty minutes — I don’t know cause I walked out of there. All the way out. Miles came out after me apologizing profusely, saying ‘Dude, what’s wrong? I’m sorry, it’s done man we can just hang out now!’
“We waited in this bright food court-y area for Miles’ Mom. She was taking forever. And all these teenagers were coming over to me and introducing themselves. I find that so fuckin weird to this day. But I realize, they were recruiters for this goofy Christian Church Camp like in my pamphlet and gave—”
“—and they gave you free snack bar vouchers and friendship bracelets?” Counselor was ready to call it.
“Yeah dude! They did! ”Then I felt clever, “Like that is obviously not appropriate!?”
“Obvious only to you. Then and now. You weren’t alone — and you also didn’t mention asking these things to end. You’d be best to blame yourself for not sticking to your initial unsettled reaction.” Counsellor 6014 was blank, almost reciting. “You were not obvious. Sounds like you enjoyed the submersion for the sake of retelling this story”
“What?!”
———
That we were now walking down the hallway was a surprise to me; who was reeling through the memory trying to recall a moment I could refer to to back myself up. But the time had passed. Unless:
“Well, wait a second,” I sparked. “The band playing the same thing for five hours in a row is obviously bullshit right?”
“Yes. That is bad Christian Rock.”
“Alright. Thanks.”
“Some things are allowed to be subjective.”
We had a few moments left of shared hallway before we’d part.
“Do you guys always see eagles all the time up here?”
“Yes. I think most of them live up here where it’s safe.”
“I saw one this morning and thought it might be a blatant God shot for me, but the boys said no.”
“Do you see eagles all the time?”
“No! Never.”
“That’s obviously God.”